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Settle in: You’re in the right place. All Up In Your Grill Q. What do you call it when you have your mom’s mom on speed dial? Time On My Side I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

What should you do after your Nintendo game ends in a tie? Birthday Cake Love Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake. Make a wish Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job. Whoops, No Present Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one. Q: Did you hear about the tree’s birthday? A: It was a sappy one!

How does a computer get drunk? Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion. To get to the other slide.

Tweetment Needed PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter! DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow. Big Spender I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife. Shopping Freeze I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Wallet Half Empty Always borrow money from a pessimist. Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Time is Money Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money. 3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Lunch Bully To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. Retirement The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income. Dad, can I have some money?

Money isn’t everything, but it certainly keeps you in touch with your children. Subscribe to Print: Get our Best Deal! I can’t believe I made it anywhere creatively, though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents. Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household.

Comedy Central and all related titles, logos and characters are trademarks of comedy partners. Please forward this error screen to sharedip-1487215244. Best jokes Best 100 short funny jokes based on visitors votes. Please rate funny short jokes by clicking on smiles, so funniest jokes will be also best jokes on our web site! If you rate joke, joke rating and position will change. When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space.

They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass. Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID! Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid? Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some homework.