This is the original Bullyonline website developed by the late Tim Field. It is provided as a testament to his pioneering work. Constant criticism, refusal good child upbringing value, humiliation, threat, coercion? Upbringing – what creates a serial bully?
All abuse is violent, be it physical, emotional, psychological, or a combination. I define seven types of abuse below. The abuser is an individual who lives in a state of unusually high anxiety and who has not learnt to deal with that anxiety in the way normal people have. The abuser is insecure, immature, and inadequate, especially in the areas of interpersonal and behavioural skills. If the abuse is of a sexual nature, the abuser is usually sexually inadequate. The high anxiety seems to be the result of an inability to relate to other people combined with the fear of exposure of that person’s inadequacy, immaturity and insecurity.
This leads the abuser to want to control and dominate others, having never learnt how to interact with others in normal ways. Abusers are usually brought up in a dysfunctional family. The more abusive the adult, the more dysfunctional the family. Often, the father, if present, is violent and abusive. Usually one or both parents are sociopathic or psychopathic. Before blaming the parents, the reason parents are dysfunctional is because they were brought up in dysfunctional families. Most people are never taught parenting skills.
It’s not that we actively teach our kids to parent – kids learn by example. We grow up and repeat what they did to us. The child learns, usually from an early age, that using bullying behaviours brings relief from anxiety. Physical abuse, including assault and any deliberate act resulting in physical injuries, including beatings in the guise of corporal punishment but which are delivered with fists or to the child’s head. Sexual abuse, including incest, rape, buggery or any paedophile activity for the gratification of the abuser. Physical contact seems to be especially important in the first five or six years.
Some children enjoy a cuddle into their teens. Violent adults tend to be those whose childhood was characterised by experiencing the above behaviours on a regular basis, combined with lack of affection and lack of expressed love. Being violent towards others because they are violent towards you combined with the fact that you are unable to deal with other people’s violence is called displacement aggression. For dealing with verbal abuse I recommend The verbally abusive relationship: how to recognize it and how to respond, Patricia Evans, Adams, ISBN 1-55850-582-2.