I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it one liner kid jokes! I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
On hearing he had won, Vine joked he would celebrate ‘by going to Sooty’s barbecue and having a Sweep-steak’. Here we present a selection of some of his best one-liners. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper . So I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.
Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one. So I said to this train driver: ‘I want to go to Paris. I said: ‘I’ve been on telly, but I’m no Dean Martin. If you throw them, it could spell disaster. I thought: ‘I can’t turn that down. A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.
When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! Black beauty – he’s a dark horse. I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths? He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from. So I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?
He said: ‘How flexible are you? I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays. This bloke says to me: ‘Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets? I thought: ‘That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.
In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes – he’s a catholic converter. I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags – he’s bisatchel. So I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it. He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.
I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl. Did you know that if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it would give birth to a litter of Twiglets?