You”ll never fit in much kid

Oh, you have no idea about having kids until you’ll never fit in much kid have them. Who doesn’t know that although kids are cute, they are also a lot of work?

That’s why you get a dog to practice before having a kid. Now that I have three kids, it’s my turn to pass on this knowledge to people I know having their first kid. YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT HAVING KIDS UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS! Sorry for shouting, but it’s true. So so so so so so very true. Not that anyone asked, but if I were going to give advice to first-time parents, I wouldn’t just state the obvious about their life changing forever.

Kids are a lot of work, yadda, yadda, yadda. Instead, I’d sit them down in comfy chairs, hand them a beer or glass of wine, and break it down for them all realistic-style. And not just when dealing with diapers and potty training and the occasional tummy bug. But like when your kid decides to take a dump on the floor. Or, unfortunately for a friend of mine, in her hand, at the grocery store. These, my friends, will not be isolated incidents. Especially when your kids are little.

These shenanigans will happen often, if not daily. If your kid has a proclivity for such behavior, you may even be dealing with this stuff a few different times a day. That adds up to a shit-ton of shit. And since you’re the one cleaning up all of this, you can bet your britches that some of this crap will end up on you too.

If you’re lucky, you’ll get just a little on your hand. And while we’re on the topic of kids doing gross things, I’d like to put this fact out there: Kids eat their boogers. I think people like to think only other people’s kids do this, but that’s not true. Every kid will at some point in time eat boogers. You just want to hope it’s only their boogers they’re eating. Your kid may try it just once, or it may develop into a habit that lasts for a while. I only had a vague notion about kids and dirt before having my own.